Again

Last night I had a lesson with Gus. A jumping lesson. It was my choice, New Trainer asked if I wanted to jump or flat. I chose jumping, because, duh?

I should have flatted.

Last night was hell. And it wasn’t because Gus was bad. It was because I just plain couldn’t do it. We did a small grid.

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It looked innocent enough. It wasn’t. Grids never are.

For the life of me, I could not get the whole grid together. I couldn’t keep my core and sit back and keep my leg on and float my hands and hold the reins all together. So we did it again.

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And still, I’d fix one thing and forget to fix the rest. So again we went. And again. And again.

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I’ll admit, I was starting to get really angry. Nothing was getting fixed. Or rather, it wasn’t all getting fixed in one go around. And still New Trainer had us going again.

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I managed to get it good once or twice but we couldn’t cement it so when we came back around, it all fell to pieces again. New Trainer would not let me give up. She kept telling me not to quit on her, that she had seen me do it right so I had to go out and do it right again.

It was literally so bad that I wondered what the eff I was doing on this horse and made me contemplate giving the whole thing up. It took all I had not to burst into tears before the lesson was over and I may have let a few slip as soon as it was finished.

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Before I get any negative comments about New Trainer pushing, let me just say this. I want her to push me. I want her to expect more. She got me when I was already having a bad day and not being able to accomplish what looks so easy really got me.

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That doesn’t mean it’s all easy, because it’s not. New Trainer and I had a very real discussion afterwards about how sometimes, I want too much from myself and that she saw improvement, even if I didn’t feel it. She also pointed out that I have not been riding consistently due to it being winter and a lot going on at work.

It all came down to this, really. If it’s what I want, if it’s something I want to work for, New Trainer thinks we can be running Novice and schooling Training by the end of the year.