Work has been a series of unfortunate events lately.
One system down after another and the worst by far was not having email for five days. And it was not just that I couldn’t access it… people couldn’t even send me emails, they kept bouncing back as undeliverable. I had managers and employees calling to see if I still worked here. On one hand, this was a good thing because it meant that when I did get my email back, I didn’t have a mountain of unanswered emails waiting me. On the other hand, I had no idea what I was missing either.
It just seems to me that for as big of a company as we are (Fortune 500), we have a pretty crappy IT department. But that’s a story for another time.
In the midst of all of that happening, I was also in the thick of things for Sporting Days and Poplar so I didn’t really have time to worry about what wasn’t getting done. I just figured, I’ll do what I can each day and things will take care of themselves. Well, things have not taken care of themselves, no surprise there, and now I am drowning. And, okay, technically I was drowning way before this but it feels worse now.
My motivation is completely gone which is leading me to sleeping less which leads me to being cranky which leads to even less motivation and we start the whole Goddamn cycle over again. Worst of all, I am sick of hearing from my manager that “in benefits, the work is never over.” I’ve worked in benefits/HR almost my whole professional career and while that is technically true, what our department is going through now is not the same thing. We just don’t have the people to deal with the problems that are coming in and we are ALL feeling it (except apparently my manager).
The boy’s solution to this is: find a new job. We all know that’s easier said than done. First off, the motivation is again a big factor. You’d think I’d have a lot of that but truthfully I’m so drained at the end of a shift that I don’t want to be job searching. Plus, because of him I have moved all over the country and have not held down a job for very long (I find a good one and BAM, we move again) and have big six month gaps between those jobs. I NEED a longer stay job on my resume and preferably one with a well known company. A job like the one I have. I could jump ship. I could find a new job. But if that job ends up being worse? Then I’m really screwed.
Plus, the truth of the mater is, I’m not a quitter. And when things are good, I generally really like my job. I like benefits. I like helping people (when they aren’t being assholes and yelling at me). I like my schedule and I like the fact that I have my very own office where I can close the door and put my head down on my desk when things get too hard. And, most of the time, I like my manager. Those things shouldn’t be thrown away lightly. I want to plow through these issues at work and come out on the other side knowing that I did a good job.
Figuring out how to get there is what is causing my problems though.
These last two weeks since Poplar Gus has gotten a long vacation. LT rode him once for me last week and then I did go out for a quick ride/photo shoot on Saturday but otherwise he hasn’t been asked to do anything but get fat and be a horse. Part of this decision to give him a vacation was because he had had two back to back horse trials and just needed the break. Right after Sporting Days, Gus lost a bunch of weight and I didn’t want that to be a trend.
The other reason though is that I wanted to focus on getting through these growing pains at work without worrying about getting my riding time in. I wanted to give myself permission to work hard and then just go relax myself. I didn’t want to worry that I wasn’t putting in quality rides or having enough lessons. I didn’t need more stress.
This majorly backfired on me.
Turns out that without my horse time, I haven’t been getting quality me time and the stress levels have gone WAY up. I can tell that in the last two weeks I have been incredibly agitated and letting little things at work twist my guts up in ways that I just don’t like. It’s making me someone that is not me and that is not cool.
Work is not going to be bearable the next few weeks. It might not be bearable for the next few months, if I’m honest. I was so excited when I got this job. I really thought I’d be here in this department and position for the long haul (or at least until the boy decided to relocate us again). Now, I know that’s not going to happen and it’s not something I want. However, I do want to get through this tough patch for no other reason but to prove to myself that I can.
I am just going to need Gus to keep my sanity in check!